Saturday, February 28, 2015

Fire Down Below by Debra Anastasia is Now Available & Reviewed

Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.

Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.

How could she not fall for him? Dove's only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start.

Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you're not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.

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Book 1
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Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter cream. Please world, end. Kill me.

“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit-flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Fitzwell had never stepped foot in bath and lotion store, wanting to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Candy shower gel, foamed up his nether regions, and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Dove crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.

Mr. Fitzwell seemed concerned. “Okay, just a heads-up. It’s definitely not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a V with his hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.

Dove covered her eyes and tried to defend herself because now she could hear the sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.

Dove’s mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. “I don’t put weird things down… there. Just make sure that the cream’s vagina-scented. Just plain. For vaginas.” She kept her eyes on the counter.

Reviews by the Wicked Reads Review Team

After much deliberation, I've finally figured out how I'm going to review this "Literary Masterpiece".
I would like to preface by saying that I LOVE Mrs. Anastasia's writing, normally.

Fire Down Below was an odd experience for me. I was humiliated with Dove in the beginning, at the pharmacy. Then I was humiliated for Dove at MANY other points throughout the story.
The awkwardness of the main characters was spot on, and you could [almost] empathize with them...
Then the story got weird. Flatulence, poop jokes, odd neighbor with no decency, and a lot of potty humor.
I wanted to like it, but I just couldn't. I didn't find ANY of it humorous.
We meet many of Dove's neighbors, in her apartment complex – seemingly all of her friends are located in the same building.
I almost DNFd this – until the addition of a "porn writer" and her husband showed up.
Hands down the funniest part of the ENTIRE story were these support characters. PERIOD.

SO, throughout the entire poop joke, vaginal diseases, awkward and humiliating story – there was a plot (that just took a while to really uncover). I wouldn't say it's unique or original but the characters were.
That's really all I can say.

Based on the information I received when signing up to read Fire Down Below, Ms. Anastasia wrote this book years ago as fanfiction. Having read the book, I can only assume the idea came to her after watching Dumb and Dumber while smoking some less than legal substance and thought it would be AWESOME to create a female version of that madcap duo and shove them both into Dove. Thankfully she came to her senses before subjecting the rest of the reading world to the book. That is, until recently when she apparently had one too many bottles of wine with friends and thought it would be a great idea to expose readers to Gynazule®. That, or she’s set out to prove that ANYBODY can write ANYTHING and sell it on Amazon (and other ebook retailers).

Initially I wasn’t going to read this book. For goodness sakes people, the leading man’s name is Johnson Fitzwell and the blurb contains the words vagina and farting, and basically tells you to prepare for a prostate exam. Besides, our blog had five people signed up to review it and I had books featuring testosterone-filled alpha males that I’ve been waiting to read. Hockey player vs. pharmacist – no contest there. Then the ladies started dropping like flies, unable to finish it – we had three women down, traumatized by what little bit they did read. When we finally get a review in, it’s a 2-star review. At this point I HAVE to check it out. Now I’m still not planning to read it, but I have got to know what is sending the review team running for therapy and eye & brain bleaching. So this evening, while I was setting up the following day’s blog posts, I turned on the Text-to-Speech feature on my Kindle Fire so I could listen and work. I then spent the next 6 hours laughing my @ss off at Dove’s antics as Murphy’s Law delivered b!tch-slap after b!tch-slap to the easily embarrassed but hornier than a cat in heat Dove.

Did I enjoy Fire Down Below? Surprisingly, I did! It seems that I was channeling my inner 12-year-old boy who got a kick out of the potty humor and word play that Ms. Anastasia filled the book with. Apparently she was triple-dog-dared to insure that not a single page escaped a fart, vagina, man-junk, diarrhea, or other somewhat embarrassing bodily function reference. And she proved to be an overachiever of this goal. Despite its content, Fire Down Below is a well-written romantic comedy which seems quite satirical and kept me laughing through most of the book. And yes, there is an actual story buried underneath all of the ridiculousness, but you have to dig very, very, very, very – well you get the picture – deep to get to it.

But the ultimate question is: Is this a book I would recommend to other readers? Absof*ckinglutely not!!! I have a twisted sense of humor and, as I said before, just happened to be channeling my inner 12 year-old boy tonight and found the juvenile humor nearly gut-busting. If you’re a Poughkeepsie fan thinking that you love Debra’s writing so much that you cannot wait to read this… run now, run fast, and run far. The only thing Fire Down Below has in common with Poughkeepsie – other than the author – is that Beckett probably would have loved this book. But if you’re in the mood to laugh and can laugh when a grown woman craps her pants (Yes, that happened!) then for the love of god, don’t buy the book, download a sample first. No sense in subjecting your Kindle to a possible bacterial infection if you don’t have to. This is the definitive case of “Try Before You Buy” and wait until you’re alone and not at work before you check it out because neither Ms. Anastasia nor I accept responsibility for what will happen if your boss’s finely-tuned bullsh!t detector sniffs out this heaping pile o’crap. And for your final warning, this is the first book in a series – god forbid people she has more of this nonsense saved up – and the ending will leave you screaming Nooooo! Actually, that would’ve happened either way. I can only hope that my inner 12-year-old boy is ready to go when the next one comes out because yes, I am one sick puppy and I will be subjecting myself to the sequel.

There are a lot of eyes in Debra Anastasia’s house in Maryland. First, her own creepy peepers are there, staring at her computer screen. She’s made two more sets of eyes with her body, and the kids they belong to are amazing. The poor husband is still looking at her after 17 years of marriage. At least he likes to laugh. Then the freaking dogs are looking at her—six eyeballs altogether, though the old dog is blind. And the cat watches her too, mostly while knocking stuff off the counter and doing that internal kitty laugh when Deb can’t catch the items fast enough.

Debra has a smattering of books in a few genres. There are two in the Seraphim Series and three in the Poughkeepsie Brotherhood Series with a prequel, Poughkeepsie Begins in the near future. Fire Down Below is the first in the comedic Gynazule Series. The second, Fire in the Hole, will be published in late 2015. The Revenger, a dark paranormal romance will debut this summer. And last, a novella called Late Night with Andres is special because 100% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. (So go get it right now, please!)

You can find her at and on Twitter. But be prepared...

Connect with Debra

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After all that you have now read, do you want to win an eBook copy of Fire Down Below?
No? Would you like to inflict it upon your worst enemy instead? Your BFF?

To enter the Giveaway all you have to do is leave a comment here on this blog post.
BUT in your comment you must state either:
1 – I want to win Fire Down Below because I’m a greedy [insert your own word].
2 – It’s time for a ding-dong-dash and I know exactly who deserves this steaming pile o’crap.
3 – My BFF is in dire need of a dose of Gynazule® so I wanna win this for [insert her 1st name].

If you are glutton for punishment and would like an extra entry, leave a comment (preferably the same one you leave here, but feel free to be creative) on the Fire Down Below post on our Wicked Reads Facebook page. If I’ve got my wits together, it’ll be the pinned post of the day.

This contest is open Internationally, BUT if you’re a US-based winner you may also receive a matching maxi pad puppet! NOW you understand the picture.

Reviewers on the Wicked Reads Review Team were provided a free copy of Fire Down Below (Gynazule #1) by Debra Anastasia to read and review for this tour. Unfortunately they’re on their own when it comes to paying for the therapy.

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